You should probably leave
A messy update about my divorce
Content notice: domestic violence
Today I’m making my newsletter free for all because I want to share an update on my divorce. I am a year and a half post divorce finalization. I am the happiest I’ve ever been, but I’m still not financially secure. I’m close to being totally self reliant, but my ex has stopped paying his bills, and that’s put a lot of additional pressure on me at a time when I am on the cusp of financial independence. This sucks, but I planned for this, just like I planned for every step of my divorce. What was hard was knowing that it was time to leave. If you’ve been thinking about leaving, this newsletter is for you.
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How I got here
I knew this day would come. I’ve been planning for it since I initiated our separation in April 2022. I knew that at some point my ex-husband would stop paying his court-ordered support. Without my influence in his life, I knew he would become financially insolvent, but I was still surprised when he stopped paying for things last year because it happened so fast. At first it was just a late payment or two. Then whole payments and bills went unpaid with no word of explanation.
I didn’t wait to initiate court proceedings. I filed for a motion of enforcement right away, even though it required giving my attorneys $2500 that I didn’t have. Despite my financial distress, it took four months to get a hearing. The courts may support enforcement in theory, but they give absolutely no shits about how long it takes them to review your case or how many bills will go unpaid until they do. My ex stopped responding to my emails entirely. I prepared with my attorneys. I tried not to get hopeful, but dammit, I got hopeful as the court date approached. Maybe the judge would actually enforce the motion. Maybe there would be money to seize from his accounts. Maybe, maybe…when you’ve been subjected to years of financial abuse, the dream is always that you will escape it, but abuse doesn’t stop just because the marriage ends. And unfortunately, the courts perpetuate it.
The day before the hearing, my ex-husband asked the judge for an adjournment and she gave it to him. My attorneys explained it is standard courtesy to grant one adjournment and the judge wasn’t aware that we had a tuition bill pending at Christmas. I didn’t have the money to cover it, so I broke the rules and emailed the judge begging for help. I got scolded for not going through my attorneys, but the judge tried to schedule a hearing before the payment was due, even offering to meet on Christmas Eve.
My ex said he was not available.
The date got pushed into January. I was out of options, so I asked the school for an extension on the tuition payment and they gave it to me. This gave me enough time to wait for the judge’s order. She ordered my ex-husband to pay the outstanding bills and gave him deadlines which he has since missed with absolutely no consequences. I question if going back to court was even worth it, but I know that one day these debts will be settled. I am keeping detailed records for my Future Self, who I trust to handle this when the time is right.
I’ve been scrambling to pay for things, but it’s not as stressful as I had expected it to be. In the past two years, I’ve built up my income streams. I’m doing better than ever. I have many hooks in the water, and something is going to come through very soon. Probably multiple somethings all at once! Meanwhile, My family are supporting me emotionally, spiritually, and financially. They are my ride or die, and having them in my corner has made all the difference. It can be very expensive to get divorced and I am keenly aware that many women don’t have my resources (which is sickening! Divorce outcomes should not hinge on financial resources!!!). If you are fortunate to have a way out, I urge you to take it. I also urge those of you who have been through this gauntlet to help others. Financially if you can, but if you can’t because you are also suffering under capitalism, share what you know. That’s what I am doing with this newsletter. I want to help demystify the systems and processes of divorce. I’ve seen just about everything there is to see in the American domestic violence, divorce, and tax court systems. I also got an up close and personal tour of the criminal justice system. And I think the best thing I can do is answer other people‘s questions to help them get through it. So that’s what I’m gonna do at the end of this post.
But first, let’s help you identify if you should leave your marriage.
Ladies, if your husband does any of these things to you, you should probably leave:
Shouts at you for hours
Argues in circles
Gaslights you to your face
Drinks excessively
Flies into rages
Looms over you
Scares you
Gambles your mortgage $
Calls you names
Puts words in your mouth
Twists everything you say
Lies to you
Threatens to take his own life
Disappears for days with no communication
Makes you feel crazy
Tells you you’re not nice
Is kind to everyone but you
Maybe you’ve been thinking about leaving. Maybe you’ve already left once, or many times. Maybe you’re just hoping that this time the changes will stick and he will keep his promises. I’m here to tell you that the changes are never going to stick. Don’t wait 28 years like me. The sooner you leave, the sooner you get to be happy again. I am proof of that. I want this joy for every woman who is suffering. If you have questions about divorce, I am happy to answer them in the comments. You can find related posts on my newsletter by going to the archive page and searching the word divorce.
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For what it's worth, Mel, you are doing great. My support in spades. Also know that you are my one and only paid subscription; when I read this I'm even gladder that I did not discontinue it. But when I say support, I mean moral support. I applaud your openness about the tribulations and practicalities around your divorce.
I did the same thing when I was scammed. I recently posted on Substack an open description about this as well as a follow up in the form of an open letter to anyone who has been scammed. (Statistically, this is likely almost everyone nowadays.)
We need to be open about life's challenges, not hide in shame or feelings of defeat. We can share information, we can spread what we know and give each other support. It's a mind-frame that is worth cultivating, and I am happy for your sake that you are able to do this. Please continue to spread your information this way. Love, Maria
We've been helping a friend move forward and all I can say is thank you so much for speaking up about your situation. You are showing others what is possible. Thank you!