What to do when life f*cks your plans
Something's gotta give
Today, I’m unlocking this deep dive post for all of my subscribers because I needed this reminder myself. We had a medical crisis in our family today, and it was really hard to get through. But that is the point of life: being there for each other. Experiencing all of the emotions life brings. Truly living, even when it hurts. I hope that if life has f*cked your plans recently, you find this post comforting, too. ❤️❤️❤️
I blew a deadline for the first time in May. I’ve never really missed a deadline before, of any type. In college, my papers were always submitted on time. In my product development days, my projects usually wrapped a day early, just in case. And for the first six years or so of my traditional publishing career, I did whatever it took to get the work done by the due date, even if it wrecked my back and my mental health in the process. This time, something was different.
Maybe it’s that I’m going through a divorce, or maybe it’s that I’m finally showing myself some love and self care after a long year of painful but very necessary growth—either way, I’m spent. I had a book to revise, and I just kept running out of steam. Normally, I’d be able to power through 30 pages in a day. Working 6-8 hours on revision was doable. This time, I ran out of steam after 3-4 hours and barely managed a 6 page per day average. My life was chaos. I just didn’t have the juice.
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I’ve had rough times before. There was the time I broke my foot, and the time I broke my ankle (this April! lmao). There was the time a hospital tried to kill my amazing sister (she’s too stubborn, don’t worry). There was the time my first dog died (still not over it). There was the time my older son had a very scary concussion and I had to watch them wheel him into the CT room without me. There was covid lockdown, when my then husband nearly died of a completely different illness. I’ve been through some ish, but nothing prepares you for the complete upheaval of rebuilding your life from the ground up. 2023 has been a tough year, but it’s also been a tremendous period of growth for me. I’ve connected to my art like I never have before.
There’s something about starting over that gives you true clarity on what you want and don’t want in your life. That clarity sometimes arrives at two o’clock in the morning after a multiple hour crying jag, but the revelations are worth it, even if they make it nearly impossible to meet a publishing deadline.
It was about two weeks after my due date had passed that I realized I wasn’t going to meet it. That’s how deep my denial was. I kept thinking that somehow, I’d have a 100 page day and the revision would magically be done. I tried my trusty bullet journal. I considered using a sticker chart. I relied VERY heavily on writer buddies who I could check in with throughout the work day. But even with all these excellent tools in place, I could only get 5-8 pages done each day. Often total rewrites, to be fair, but still. It felt like I would be revising this book until the day I died. (Spoiler: I have since finished the book and am now doing line edits, so that isn’t going to happen.)
I remember thinking, during one of the extended lunchtime crying jags, that maybe I needed to get in my car and drive until I found somewhere that would make me excited to write. When I realized I didn’t even know which direction to go in, something broke inside me. I wasn’t going to manage my way out of missing my deadline. I needed to accept my limitations and adjust my expectations.
My lovely editor said the most supportive things when I reached out to her to ask for more time. She knows I’m not one to blow a deadline casually. She knows how deeply I love this book (my next middle grade, Crushed, which is a #metoo story set in middle school). Thankfully, my editor told me to take care of myself first, and for once, I DID. I adjusted my timeline to fit 5-8p per day. I blocked out weekends for rest and comfort. I reached out to family and friends and told them what I was dealing with, and they responded with such a pure wave of kindness and support that I cried with joy for the first time in weeks if not months.
In accepting my own limitations, I made space for the other things I needed to tend to in my life. My children. My mental health. My finances. I can tell you now that I don’t regret the choice to push my deadline back at all. Work will always be there. Those moments, those experiences with my family—those won’t come again. I needed to be present, and for once, I was. And I’m so grateful.
We don’t need to trick ourselves into being more productive than we can be. We need to give ourselves the kindness we deserve, and ACCEPT where we’re at. Maybe that means adjusting a timeline. Maybe that means asking for more support from a spouse, family, or friends. Maybe that means cancelling lukewarm activities so we can use our energy where we need it most. It definitely means focusing on what we really need to do in our lives and letting go of the pressure to do EVERYTHING. Maybe the work can wait. Maybe life can wait. Either way, something’s gotta give.
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” —C.S. Lewis
We cannot change the past, but we can change directions. Are you resisting a change in your life? Has the sunk cost fallacy kept you investing in something that no longer serves you? Take thirty seconds and make a list of the top ten things you want to do in your creative life. Pick one. Make the space for it. Embark on a new voyage. If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear what new goal you are going to pursue.
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MEL. I feel all of this. I, too, am not one to blow a deadline. The deadlines I've blown lately have all been self-imposed, but it still feels weird. Like, what -- am I lazy and unproductive now? Somehow the part that resonated most with all of this is when you were like, "Maybe a...sticker chart??? will save me??!" That's when you know you're in deep denial. When you pull out the tools we use to potty train toddlers. (I'm not knocking a sticker chart/habit tracker for grownups, it's just that if you're not a regular sticker chart person, suddenly wondering about it says to me that you're desperate for solutions.)
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself first -- yes, you need to! We all do. Of course, I’m waiting to read your new book, and I’ll wait. It’s fine. I’m sure it’s going to be fabulous, whether it’s completed “on time” or not! No need for a sticker chart, by the way. Those do not work long term!