Less or more?
How letting go of what isn't working creates space for magic to happen
I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions. It feels like too much pressure to make huge changes in my life in one fell swoop. Even after all the changes I’ve been through in the past couple of years—divorce, relocation, new jobs, new relationships—I get overwhelmed by taking big steps all at once. Not to mention that January 1 being the start of a new year runs counter to centuries of civilization in which humans celebrated the start of the year on the vernal equinox in March (the start of spring, and the new cycle of life). At this time of year, I prefer instead to reflect on the previous calendar year and ask myself: What do I want more of? What do I want less of?
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Winter is a reflective time for me. I’m spending lots of hours indoors. I’m writing, reading, drawing, and thinking a LOT. While I love spending time outside in the snow, I’m not as active as I am during the growing season. This is a time for evaluating, thinking, and deciding. Action comes in slow stages, and right now those actions are centered on planning for the year ahead. What do I want to change? What do I want to achieve? What era am I in this year?
Two years after my divorce, I’d found myself in a situationship that was not what I wanted for my romantic life. I’d fallen into the trap of compromising too much again. I have this terrible habit of pleasing my partner by setting aside what I really need, which is not the way to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship. But for once, I knew what I needed to do: End it. I had clarity on that. It sucked and I felt bad about doing it, but it was the right thing to do for me and for him. We were never going to build anything real together, so all we were really doing was wasting each other’s time.
After 28 years with my ex-husband, I’m still new to dating and relationships so I game planned the breakup with my sister and cried the whole way home after doing it. I am a big old softy at heart, and it was really hard to take this step. But when I asked myself, Do I want more of this relationship or less? The answer was clear. I wanted out. So I ended it, and the most unexpected thing happened: I fell in love.
