This week, the topic of advances popped up on the interwebs again. Every once in a while, this topic comes up and people start discussing whether or not authors should be transparent about their advances in the spirit of rising waters lifting all ships. I’ve actually seen several prominent authors do this. They bravely reveal their private financial information, only to inevitably get accused of bragging, often no matter what level their income was. Sometimes, they were accused of bragging for admitting that they make any income at all from their writing. But who says bragging is bad?
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All of us have memories of being scolded for bragging as a child. It may have been a teacher or a coach or your own parent who delivered this message, but the message was clear: bragging is bad. But why?
First of all, we need to be clear about exactly what we are labeling as bragging. There is a HUGE difference between being boastful and being proud of yourself. Boasting is not nice. It’s a message that’s delivered with the intention of belittling or demeaning the listeners. It’s pride to an excessive and manipulative extent. It’s that snarky underhanded self compliment your neighbor tossed out at your last barbecue. It’s the way your boss complains about how traveling internationally (on the company’s dime!) is such a chore, right before they book a trip to Hawaii with their frequent flier miles. Boasting is something we all have a visceral, off-putting reaction to. Pride is different.
Psychotherapist Richard Joelson (2018) clarifies that pride in itself is not the problem. (Appropriate) pride is thought of as a feeling of self-respect and personal worth: a feeling of satisfaction with one’s own (or another’s) achievements. It is an integral component of healthy self-esteem and a crucial part of each person’s sense of self.
Pride is not boasting. Taking pride in your HARD WORK is not bad. Expressing your genuine pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment in achieving a goal is essential to feeling good about yourself. Somewhere along the way, we got bragging and pride confused, to the point where we now lambast well-meaning authors who disclose what their advances are in the spirit of helping others. That is precisely when we need to take a big step back and remind ourselves that it is good to celebrate our accomplishments. It is essential to toot your own horn, with pride and joy. This does not require tearing anyone else down or making comparisons. And it also doesn’t require anyone’s support! Those who don’t support your joy are not on your team.
This week on Twitter (I refuse to call it X), I saw some authors sharing the unvarnished versions of their author journeys and decided to share mine. I didn’t give numbers on my advances because that is a delicate thing with most traditional publishing contracts, but I did share the ups and the downs of my author career. I may have cancelled a lucrative contract and had my agent dump me out of the blue, but I’ve also sold projects at auction a couple of times, and each time I needed a new agent, I got a great one. I’m proud of those achievements. I worked hard for them. I got lucky, too, but I still get to celebrate the hard work it took to get there.
There are some great TEDtalks about bragging. I really like this one, which distinguishes between the pursuit of solo validation and social celebration as a determining factor in bad and good bragging. If we’re sharing to get other people to validate us, that can turn listeners off because it’s manipulative and gives people the ick. But if we’re sharing out of genuine and pure excitement because we’re so freaking happy, then other people get turned on by our happiness and experience their own joy from celebrating with us. It took me a long time to understand this.
Psychologically, I tend to suffer from a deep reluctance to share my good news mainly because I feel self conscious about it. This is perfectionism at work. I’m so hard on myself sometimes that I feel weird about celebrating my own good news, but that’s something I’m trying hard to rewire in my brain, because celebration is good. Joy is good. I feel absolutely no animosity toward other writers when I see their good news, and I’ve finally started to accept that maybe other people want to hear about mine, too.
It’s kind of a bummer if all we ever hear about are the tough times in publishing. Yes, I spent the summer after my separation drafting Crushed while crying all day long and it was one of the most soul-scraping experiences of my life, but I also found out that A Perfect Mistake was chosen by young readers for The Week Junior’s Summer of Reading list, which is really freaking amazing as they only picked 50 books and the other books on the list are INCREDIBLE. I was so surprised by this amazing news that I cried happy tears. I think it’s important to share those tears, too. They balance the scale for the heavy ones, and we need to see that there is balance in life. We need to encourage each other to brag, often and proudly. The whole point of existence is to enjoy it. So let’s celebrate our wins together. I, for one, will always applaud you.
Your bit of fodder today is this awesome vintage Diary Queen sign. Take a moment to appreciate the brilliant, bold confidence of this name. It’s not just a Dairy Stand or a Dairy Store or a Dairy Professional…it’s a Dairy QUEEN. Can you give yourself permission to claim your gifts this boldly? What are the titles you deserve for all the amazing things you have accomplished in life? Write them down. Brag to yourself. Hype yourself all the way up, and feel free to claim your truth in the comments!
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Such an important distinction to make and keep in mind. And learning to be appropriately proud of one’s achievements is something I’m working on too, especially as someone who rarely takes time to appreciate her accomplishments!
Yes! My word for 2024 is SHINE because I need to practice letting myself celebrate and be seen without feeling embarrassed or guilty or egotistic. And it’s been working so far!